Anonymous User 1 has opened the document.
Anonymous User 1: Speak
what do I have before me?
me: The beginning of a story
Anonymous User 1: That is meaningless
what do I have here?
me: I meant to attempt a journal format. This is a story about Ponyville. The Mayor was the one who fabricated everything seen in the show, but behind the scenes, Ponyville is a terrible place to live, and it's inhabitants are enslaved by its evil tyrant, Mayor mare.
Anonymous User 1: My friend
Much better
why did you seek me?
me: The biggest reason, I need help beginning this story. It's missing something, and I can't figure out what it is. But why I chose you above the others, is because I have heard you are quite skilled. Also, curiosity. I have not met you.
This would be a humble request
Anonymous User 1: Hahahaha
you have met me
but no matter
why use a journal?
me: It was something I have never done before. I wanted to step out of my comfort zone, and this method seemed most appropriate for the story, because if Ponyville is only secretly a tyrrany, few ponies would be able to get the word out. It seemed appropriate that spike might have kept a journal.
Anonymous User 1: While true
I am wondering if, then, the story is best told through a journal
what is your answer to that little issue?
me: Is that not what I have here?
I'm afraid I don't understand
Anonymous User 1: If I were to write this like a normal story
what would it lose?
me: It would lose the look of a captive desperately trying to reach help, I think.
Anonymous User 1: Good
now you know what is missing
me: Are you saying it does not currently have even that?
Anonymous User 1: see
Not at all
the beginning?
You truly believed that would get the tension required for this?
Journals are personal endeavors
they are mostly about impressions rather than actions
the simple reason being that we write journals to remember
and we remember those better than we remember list of events
currently
there is no tension here
If I don't read the first segment
I have nothing to proof or make me consider anything other than you attempting to hammer out some odd view of the normal show
there is no hook
there is no tension
and
most importantly
there is not enough good hints, or more accurately, the hints are easy missed in the rest
I see a ballon
it needs some air
and perhaps a new nozzle to allow air to get in
me: So, start over? OR are you suggesting a different perspective?
Anonymous user 1: I'm suggesting you tell me if you seriously think starting after they have settled and not mentioning me his feelings in any real way is a good hook
you hint at a period of struggle
and then nothing
nothing
me: So, it's incomplete
Anonymous User 1: and most likely needs a new beginning
and refocus, if it comes to that
I could go right now and make a bullet list of events with this and most likely not have sub-bullets to make
that's
not good for a story
and epistolary stories like this are very fragile in terms of immersion, so the previously mentioned only brings further troubles
so now
tell me
what is the hook?
me: That Ponyville's inhabitants are trapped, and there is some dark secret surrounding it.
Anonymous User 1: no
that's your premise
I need a hook
me: ... I see
Anonymous User 1: something which gets me interested on what is going on
as I said
there is currently no hook
nothing for I, as a reader, to invest my interest or concern in
me: Would you have willing advice as to a good hook to try?
Anonymous User 1: giving a hook willy-nilly is a task I will warn is no exact science
I will point to notions
but I rather not provide specifics
mostly because you know the story better than I
so
in any case
let get on with it, because time is valuable, and we have been here half and hour already
tell me the premise again
me: Ponyville is not what it seems based on the canon of the show. It's citicinz are imprisoned and enslaved by the evil Mayor Mare, a tyrant who forces them to act out a show that she can produce for money.
citizens*
Anonymous User 1: out of the top of your head, list five things which will make people want to stop once the read that as a premise
no deep thought
just say them
me: it
I don't think I know of anything
perhaps that the mayor is seretly evil
Anonymous User 1: continue
a story depends quite a lot in the subtleties
and epistolary stories live or die upon them
so
me: The citizens of ponyville are not who we think they are
Anonymous User 1: discern the subtleties
tell me why a reader would see your story and say "nope, I won't read it"
me: nothing jumps out at me, but I fear I may be biased.
Anonymous User 1: correct
I will suggest you start thinking of such things
let me try
1.) the story grabs a character we have seen throughout and greatly changes their personality to fit into the plot
2.) Why would anyone do all of this willingly? What is there to gain?
3.) How is she controlling everything? What does that mean?
4.) What events occur outside of the camera?
5.) If we assume, what dark undertones exists throughout that will appear forced?
five issues
all related
but all different
me: And I only have an answer for one of them yet, the fourth, which will make up the events of the story. I see what you are getting at.
Anonymous User 1: heh
more importnatly
your hook must recognize all of them
me: I see
Anonymous User 1: The best introduction in the western Canon, as far as I'm concerned, remains the ever encompassing beginning of One Hundred Years of Solitude:
Many years later, as he faced the firing squad, Colonel Aureliano Buendía was to remember that distant afternoon when his father took him to discover ice.
do you see what it did there?
all the things that it implied
me: I have not seen that film, but I can see that perhaps the town was short of water.
Anonymous User 1: hahahahaha
there is no film
One Hundred Years of Solitutde is amongst the best books ever written
me: I have never heard of it before now.
Anonymous User 1: Many years later, as he faced the firing squad, Colonel Aureliano Buendía was to remember that distant afternoon when his father took him to discover ice.
We get told the future
we get told the past
we get told how distant the characters start away from the world
and we get the one character we should probably watch
me: I did not follow that third point
Anonymous User 1: They knew not of ice
in any shape or form
me: Okay
Anonymous User 1: think of what that implies
but
back to business
note the issues above
how do you account for them?
and, more importantly, how do you recognize them within the story?
me: I haven't got an answer yet, but a question is a better starting point than I had.
Anonymous User 1: heh
indeed
when making your hook
keep in mind those
you don't have to answer them
you have to recognize them
they are there
to face the suspension of disbelief, you have to grab hold of whatever might cause it
and control it like there is no tomorrow
currently
me: I will surely seek to do that, then.
Anonymous User 1: what I see here is a premise
some pre-work on story development
and a pretty uncompelling first segment to raise the stake
my suggestion?
remove that first segment
or
if anything
put it at the end
but right now
they aren't doing much there
now
I will give three suggestions, with the little that we have
again
take them with care
the first one is to start the journal with Spike's scribblings as he attempts to start writing again
the notion of progression must be there since the start
and Spike's allege memory lost can serve as a good way to set up the stage
certainly, placing the hook within the scribbles of mismatched and miswritten words would be a clever thing to do
but for now, let us just keep it simple: the start of the story should show Spike's slow recovery of his ability to write
hmm
do I bore you, Mr.Rain?
me: no
I listen, patiently
Anonymous User 1: Good
but that makes for terrible discussion amongst friends
so feel free to speak
I find far more helpful
after all
I am many things
but a mind reader only on parties
me: I had not thought to show spike's slow progression.
Anonymous User 1: I can imagine
otherwise you would have done it
seeing how you are trying to bring more oomph to the affair
me: Of course. I have little to say, as I have already learned much, and seen that I could stand to give more thought to my written words.
Anonymous User 1: good
next suggestion
me: I too, enjoy trading feedback and remarks, but I am currently at a loss for words
Anonymous User 1: heh
never lose them
it might be true that all men are wise until they open their mouths
but all men are cowards until they do the same
back to the story
the progression of recovery of Spike's writing has a purpose
establishing the issue of the memory loss and hinting at its mechanism
now
please do tell me there is more to it other than an arbitrary "they are blanks for my use" plot device
heh
very well then
me: I'm not sure I understand your inquiry. To spoil the ending, The mayor had (for reasons I've yet to fully grasp myself, I was thinking greed) found a spell that would remove everypony's memories, giving her the opportunity to use them for her devices. Her choice, a staged reality show, that she could broadcast to a distant world. I am juggling the idea that she is not originally pony. Thus, Spike becomes the one to see it all, following Twilight's example.
Though, Twilight, was the first to discover the truth, and was quickly expunged.
Anonymous User 1: heh
people coming for my help fearing spoilers
in any case
then I will not give you the second suggestion
for the memory spell is just a plot point rather than a mechanism of the story
also
the question is to be begged
why not just erase her memory again?
me: It was a memory bomb. The mayor would have left herself some sort of message, or perhaps found an immunity. The spell would not be worth using again for the sake of removing the memory of one pony. It was too valuable a set up to erase so hastily.
Anonymous User 1: hmm
contrived
me: Admittedly, I just came up with that now.
Anonymous User 1: I suggest you revise the notion to ensure it doesn't seem like you pull the memory spell out of your jacket
hmm
in that case
I will keep my suggestions
and you will do the next thing
I want you to write out all the major characters and their characteristics
me: character bibles
Anonymous User 1: then write all the plot points and tools
then write a series of interconnections between all of them
separate documents
work on only one at a time
me: okay
Anonymous User 1: for this story to work
you will need to have your characters, their reasonings, and the plot holes all very much in mind and fixed
Sounds like an interesting premise
a town of characters who act out their lives for the sake of another entity, with no recognition as to why
needs work
and currently you have too little to work with
me: thus, I sought your council
But I thank you
For both your time and insight. You are indeed wise, if not simply thoughtful and clever.
Anonymous User 1: hahaha
I am not a man to take praise
I thank you for them
but there is no need
I am quite certain others will have helped you as well
additionally
no truth comes from sweet tongues
one last matter does come to mind
who guided you this way?
me: It was mostly your reputation that proceeded you, spurred on by the frequent and inderect referments of one Ion-Sturm, but ultimately it was the advice of one who calls himself Khakispony that bade me seek your assistence.
Anonymous User 1: a reputation that precedes me
heh
experience has told me no good comes from that
I will ask for forgiveness, as I must depart
Please do built these three documents
me: Your time has been invaluable. There is nothing to apologize for. I will do as you have instructed.
Anonymous User 1: their separation of functions should make easier to notice holes and problems
as the interaction between them is where most plot faults will be found
also
send my regards to Khakis
me: I will do that.
Anonymous User 1 has left.